At Least Psalty Wasn't Creepy...

I recently had the privilege/misfortune (you decide which) of coming across this lovely youtube video.



The man who just sang a duet with himself, half normally and half creepy Helium, is Lil' Marky, a Christian children's singer of days gone by. We've all made fun of Psalty and the Music Machine, but they have nothing on this guy. I mean, his voice is creepy enough (think a soprano Donald Duck), but some of the songs are such as I would never inflict on any child of mine. Should you happen to be curious, you can listen to his songs here, but if you're not willing to subject yourself to that, allow me to recap some of the highlights. I should point out, as well, that the average length of a Lil Markie song appears to be about 13 minutes.

Diary of an Unborn Child
In this gem of a song, lil Markie takes on the persona of an unborn baby boy, eagerly anticipating his life on earth and narrating his life in the womb (Day one: today I was created. Mommy and Daddy don't know yet...). Then, rather abruptly, the hitherto upbeat number experiences a change in tone. Day 23: Today my mommy killed me. At which point lil Markie begins to sing, as mournfully as he can with his warbly helium voice. "Why, did you kill meeeeeee, Mommyyyyyy. I would have loved youuuuuuu. I wanted to be your little boyyyyyyyy. I was a gift from Jesus to youuuuuuuu." As much as I am pro-life, this is just creepy, and hardly something I'd want my 5 yeard-old singing around the house.

Story of an Alcoholic Father/Something's Happened to Daddy
The title in this one is rather self-explanatory. It's the story of a little boy who gets saved at a revival meeting, after realizing what a wretched little boy he is, and how much he needs Jesus in his life because he only showers once a month. His father, who is drunk when he hears the news of this conversion, gets angry and beats the mother (who also got saved, did I mention that?) with a baseball bat so severely that she almost dies and has to go to the hospital. At this point the father is grieved and shocked, swears off alcohol, and begins to go to church with them. In the words of Lil Markie: "We thought he had found Jesus, but he was just being a phoney baloney." Anyway, it all hits the fan when the pastor mentions tithing in a sermon, and the father vows never to go to church again. Lil Markie begs, pleads, and cries to no avail. So Lil Markie takes it to God and asks Him to save his father and, guess what, He answers. The next day, Lil Markie wakes up in tremendous pain. So he has to stay home from Christian school and his mother calls a Christian doctor to examine him. The doctor informs him that he will probably die within the next hour, and he has just enough time to witness to his father once more. So Lil Markie pleads with him, asking him not to go to hell, and breathes his last. Then he and Jesus watch with great joy as his father weeps over his dead body and asks God to save him.

Lil Markie Goes to Calvary
This song includes the awkwardest testimony, fake or otherwise. "By the time I was 5 I was doing hard drugs. Marijuana, cocaine, hashish, you wouldn't believe what went up my nostrils." And that's only after kids in his village turn him into a candy thief so he can be their friend. He ends up running away to England and eating a ton of Fish n Chips, and then magically he's in Jerusalem at the time of Jesus' crucifixion. What follows is a horrifically graphic description of the Passion (narrated in a helium voice, of course) that culminates in Lil Markie kneeling in a great big puddle of blood at Jesus' feet and asking Him into his life.



I wish to goodness I was making this up, but all I've found suggests that not only did this really happen, it was genuinely intended as an evangelistic tool. I, for one, intend to stick to Veggietales.